5 Ways DECENT MEN Can End Sexual Assault


So, inspired largely by the allegations against
Harvey Weinstein, people on social media are once again having a discussion about sexual
assault and sexual harassment of women. And I understand that it can be frustrating
that we even need to talk about this, considering the fact that that women have been shouting
about it from the mountaintops for decades. And also the fact that you shouldn’t have
to shout at people to get them to not sexually assault you. But the fact of the matter is that somewhere
around 20% of women in the United States has or will experience some form of sexual assault. And by the way if you dispute that statistic,
you’re just wrong. And you should stop watching YouTube shitlords
and start reading actual studies. And when we expand beyond assault and include
sexual harassment, I don’t know the actual numbers, but I wouldn’t be surprised if
it was close to 100%. As most of you likely can attest to after
seeing probably every women you know fill your social media timelines with #MeToo. So insofar as a big enough quantity of humans
remain the actual f**king worst, I think it’s good to have these conversations. And I think they do help, even if it seems like they don’t. They’ve helped me throughout the years and I’m sure many others. Hi, I’m T1J. (Follow me!) This video is made possible by my amazing
Patrons. If you’d like to join the Custodial Crew
and support the channel, head over to patreon.com/the1janitor. Now I’ve also seen a lot of men talk about
their experiences with sexual assault and sexual harassment, and this is definitely
a unique issue that we should talk about, and I’ve talked about men’s issues before. But it seems to me that context of the current discussion is primarily dealing with sexual
harassment and assault of women, so that’s what this video is gonna focus on. This is not to say that this issue is the
only one, or the most important one. But each subject is unique and requires unique
solutions, and I think it’s a mistake to attempt some one size fits all approach. Now when we’re discussing injustice towards
a marginalized group, and you’re not part of that group but you still want to be an
ally and be helpful, it can be difficult to determine what’s appropriate for you to
say and do, in order to avoid making things worse. A lot of women watch my channel, but according
to YouTube analytics, my viewers are mostly male, so I want to start a discussion about
what men can and should do in response to this dialogue about harassment and assault
of women. And I’m a man, so it’s possible that my
analysis of this women’s issue is flawed, and if it is, feel free to add-on or correct
me. So the first thing that men gotta do in this
situation, is shut the f**k up. No, seriously. Shut the f**k up. ALL: Shut the f**k up! Or more specifically, know when the shut the
f**k up. And honestly this is advice a lot of us could
generally use in life. I’m not saying, you’re not allowed to
have an opinion or participate in the conversation. But when women are talking about their experiences,
that’s not your turn to speak. When women are spreading awareness through
a social media campaign, that’s not your cue to get defensive or air out your personal
concerns. Don’t talk over people, they don’t need
your cynicism, they don’t need your devil’s advocate. They don’t need your whataboutism. There’s a time and a place to be a Skeptic™. This isn’t it. It doesn’t help. You’re being an asshole. These women are going out on a limb to share
often very sensitive, personal stories. And men need to practice basic compassion
and show support for them. So that they can feel comfortable expressing
these very important issues. Because that’s the only way we’re ever
going get to a solution. And if women feel like they’re going to
be second guessed or talked over every time they bring it up, they might be a lot more
hesitant to do it. Which allows the problem to persist. The next thing we need to do, if I may quote
one of my favorite rappers, Earl Sweatshirt, is believe women. Yes listen and believe. “But what if I don’t have any evidence that what they’re saying is true?” To be fair, that little dramatization probably
doesn’t apply. Because the target audience of this video
is people who honestly want to help. And that’s just not a thing a person who
actually wants to help would say. Like if a stranger runs up to you and says,
“I need help! Someone is trying to hurt me, please call the police!” You’re probably not gonna respond, “I’d
love to help you, but first show me the evidence that you’re telling the truth.” That’s just a shitty thing to do. This isn’t a trial. It’s not your job to decide who’s innocent
or guilty. You’re not f**king Judge Judy. Unless you are Judge Judy, in which case,
thanks for watching my video, that’s awesome. You’re a regular human being listening to
the experiences of another human being. And just like I said before, if women feel
like they won’t be believed, which they often do, then they are unlikely to come forward,
and they often don’t. And then nothing gets done. Yes, sometimes people lie, but the mere possibility
of this happening doesn’t justify you being suspicious of every single person who makes
a claim. Cynicism is not a virtue. Someone should put that on a t-shirt… Oh wait, I forgot, the internet is awesome. And in fact, several studies have shown that
false accusations of assault are extraordinarily rare, so it’s actually more rational to
believe people when they tell these stories. Another thing that men can do is be more assertive
in calling out harassment and assault when we see it and when we know about it. I’m not saying you need to patrol the streets
like some kind of anti-harassment Avenger. I’m not even saying you necessarily need
to confront anybody, although that might be required in some situations. But do something. Say something. Tell somebody. Tell your boss or supervisor or teacher. Call the police if you need to. And if it comes down to it, you might have
to take a stand, if you know that something’s going on that’s not okay, you might have to come out and say, “Hey, that’s not okay!” And it’s not always bad villainous people,
it’s often basically decent people who just don’t understand the experiences that women
face or why their behavior could be perceived as abusive. And sometimes we have to be the ones to educate
them. But sometimes it is bad people who intentionally
leverage their physical upper hand, their perceived social value, or their relative
power and influence to take advantage of women. And because there is often a discrepancy in
physical size or influence, it’s essential that men call out other men who are doing
this. Because, like we’ve seen with Harvey Weinstein,
women can often feel powerless in these situations. So another thing we can do as men to help
end sexual harassment and sexual assault of women is probably the most direct solution. We can, you know, stop sexually harassing
and sexually assaulting women. Now of course, most of you are not horrible
people who spitefully or impulsively take advantage of women, but like I said a lot
of this is due to ignorance and privilege, rather than outright malice. A lot of guys truly believe sexual assault
is disgusting but at the same time don’t seem to fully understand consent. (consent and tea)
A lot of people mean no harm but still fail to avoid inappropriate touching or invasions
of personal space. A lot of men don’t comprehend how things
like catcalling and aggressive flirting can make women feel extremely unsafe. Some people were raised in an atmosphere where
objectification of women was the norm. Some people struggle with mental illness or
substance abuse that can lead to harmful behaviors. None of this excuses the action of course,
the point is, even you and I, who are probably not bad people at the end of the day are capable
of harassment or assault, because of our ignorance and lack of perspective. And if we have been guilty, it’s up to us
to acknowledge and admit it and immediately work to fix it. I’ve been guilty of sexual harassment and
sexual coercion in my past. I’ve been sexually inappropriate with women
and I’ve emotionally manipulated women. Owning up to that was a major step in my personal
self-improvement, and was part of a major overhaul of my entire life’s focus. And I don’t think I was a bad person, if
you ask 95% of the people who knew me back then, they would probably tell you I was kind
and easygoing and friendly. And I was and still am. I just also happened to be a sex-obsessed
idiot who drank too much. And unfortunately, that resulted in improper
conduct with the other 5%. And I’m still sex-obsessed, and I still
drink too much. But I’m less of idiot. So if you’re a man who wants to help solve
this problem, you need to examine your behavior and make sure that you’re not acting in
a way that makes it worse, and makes women feel less supported. There’s way too many cases of men who are
supposed allies to women being found to be guilty of some pretty gross stuff. “So I have to, like, walk on eggshells,
and tiptoe around every word I say and thing I do?” Yes, it’s called being a thoughtful, considerate
person. You should go out of your way to avoid fucking
up other people’s lives. You should want to do that. And I promise you, it’s not that hard. Beyond all that we just have to stay active
and informed. Continue listening to experiences, pay attention
to research and data and current news on the topic. We should jump at any chance we get to become
more educated. And support politicians and policy that will
protect women. And this is obviously not an exhaustive list,
there are lots of things men can do and I just wanted to touch on a few of them. Feel free to continue the conversation in
the comments below. Unfortunately, because there are so many apathetic,
passive, or even complicit men in positions of power, women will probably have to take
the lead in fixing this problem. They shouldn’t have to, but historically
that’s the only way anything ever has gotten done. But that struggle is made a little bit easier
if we as men support them with the best of our ability. DAS JUS ME DOE. What do you think? So honestly, I mostly make these shirts for myself, but
you want to buy this shirt, you definitely can do that, and it will support the channel! Go for it. Let’s check the voicemail: So this is an interesting topic, because it’s
not just a mental health question, it’s a gun question. And I just made a video about guns not too
long ago. And I think this call came in before that
video was released. So maybe this person might now have more insight
into my ideas about guns. So of course I’m not an expert on mental
health, or how best to treat or protect people with mental health issues. I certainly believe that from a legal standpoint
a person should have the right to commit suicide, because just like with drugs, if the only
direct victim is oneself, I don’t think that should be a crime. However, I don’t like suicide, and I would
be happy to see much less of it. Like when I’m talking about drugs and how
I think they should be decriminalized, you shouldn’t interpret that as me saying, fucking
everybody go do heroin, woo! No, people shouldn’t do heroin, and we should
help and educate so that they don’t do it. But if they decide to any way, that’s their
right. And it’s the same with guns, I’m not saying,
“Go kill yourself, I don’t care.” I don’t want people to kill themselves,
and maybe people who are disproportionately likely to kill themselves, such as people with mental
illness, should be handled differently. I’m not sure. But at the end of the day, here’s the big
difference between guns and drugs that matters to me
Drugs are only directly harmful to the people who use them. Guns are potentially harmful to not only the
people who use them, but also everybody else around the people who use them. That’s the key. And like I said in my Guns video, this is
backed by statistical data. Having a gun endangers yourself and everyone
around you. I’m not sure that’s part of the justification
for the laws that you’re talking about, but that would be the reason that I would
support such a law. But thanks for calling! If you want to ask a question or make a comment,
call the number on your screen and leave me a voicemail. And maybe I will respond to your message in
a video! I make videos about social issues, current
events, and pop culture. And I also do a live QnA stream every Sunday. If that sounds cool to you, please click that
subscribe button, and also ring that notification bell to make sure you never miss a video or
livestream. Thanks again to all of my beautiful patrons. And remember Stay HAKO!

100 thoughts on “5 Ways DECENT MEN Can End Sexual Assault

  1. Hey T1J, I disagree with many things you say but this video was great. I agree with mostly everything you said here as it is important to help victims of these heinous crimes. This creep forced himself onto my cousin forcefully kissing her in the elevator and one of the girls who lives in the same hiding as her in her school prevented him from coming to do that again after he tried to follow my cousin again back to her house which is like 200ft away from her school. Thanx for making this video man, I appreciate it.

  2. I believe you did a fantastic cover of the topic and I fully agree with everything you said…
    BUT here's the deal though: There is also a kind of important factor that comes in, which is that different people may have different interpretations of sexual assault and confrontation in general.
    After Weinstein, suddenly all the women in the world started confessing their suffering of a long-ago sexual assault that no one had known of just yet, and many of them are now suing and demanding gratification in many ways. But what I'm not entirely sure of is if they've actually been assaulted at a criminal level. Some women just get cat-called and shit, maybe given hints about wanting to have sex but not even touched, stalked, shamed or anything serious. Hey, hey, listen! I'm not saying cat-calling and saying nasty things to people is good. Of course it's fucking disgusting, yes! I would never do that. But would you sue someone with just that and/ or claim you've been seriously assaulted sexually?
    As I've said I agree with you completely, Kevin, women should talk about it and we should listen to it, and together we should make a change, there shouldn't be people fucking with others like that (or in any other way), but all I'm saying is being just a tiny bit sceptic is always necessary in my opinion, because these things are not always black and white, which you also confirmed with multiple examples in your video.
    Still, don't get me wrong: I WOULD NEVER confront anyone like that and I WILL listen to everybody who needs help and I WILL go up to anyone who's fucking with someone weaker than them, it's just that little scepticism you always have to keep in the back of your head – at least in my opinion.

  3. While I can agree with decriminalization of drugs, I can't really agree they only hurt the person doing them. Growing up with parents that each had their own addiction certainly affected me growing up. I was often left alone or what might as well be alone. And I was a child that basically often had to take care of two adults. I have gotten to a pretty good place in life where I am at now but it took a lot of years and some therapy to get here.

  4. Really liked the editing on this video. In terms of your posit that drug use doesn't hurt anyone but the user, I would have to disagree. If somebody destroys their life with drug use, there are people in their lives that are hurt in the same way a person committing suicide hurts those around them. And sometimes (though not with many drugs) a person becomes violent or turns to crime as a result of their addiction, which obviously hurts others. However, I agree that drugs should be decriminalized (or handled through a separate justice system that is mental health focused and doesn't leave a record). The current system does much more harm than good.

  5. I've come to realise, recently, that some of the things I've done, in my past, were harassment and bullying. I feel like the reason a lot of guys get defensive about videos, like this, is because they know that something they have done is like these things and are either compensating or just straight-up don't want to accept it. I fact, I KNOW that this is probably the reason, because I used to be like that.

  6. Had to watch this a few times cause you hit the nail on the head so many times I kept having flashbacks and missing chunks! Not a terrible thing, I'm in a good enough place now to deal with it. My personal biggest issue is being told certain sexual assaults "aren't that bad". It happened to me so much growing up but it was so harmful and dangerous because it affected my attitude towards what happened to me because it felt like maybe I was just hysterical or naive and prudish and it was actually fine. I was in my preteens the first few times I was assaulted but because people didn't take me seriously I learned to ignore my own feelings of discomfort and there was always a next time when I would meet someone else and the next assault would be worse but I learnt to tell myself unless I was being held against my will and being beaten bloody it wasn't rape or sexual assault. You might think "oh saying that him grabbing her ass without consent isn't sexual assault! He wasn't being cool but it doesn't mean you should ruin his life!" is fair or innocent but in my experience it's a really slippery slope. Does that person deserve to have their life ruined? No. Should they be called out and held accountable for shitty behaviour? Absolutely. Telling Victims it's not assault is damaging. And letting people away with that leads to the assaults escalating. Im on a spiralling tangent it's hard for me to keep my thoughts straight on this topic and make coherent sense because my head gets so clouded but I hope you can understand my sentiment. #metoo

  7. It's so sad that I am so relieved that a man on Youtube understands rape culture. As a sexual assault survivor I usually try to not to watch videos about sexual assault because it will usually be a sea of rape jokes and victim blaming.

  8. The chunk in the middle about checking yourself is so important! There are definitely people who are sickened by the concept of sexual assault but have a narrow idea of it (violent/in the alley/strangers), and act inappropriately otherwise. I think this can include the friendzone parts of things where some guys cringe when people hate women/think they only go for "douchebags", but then the same guys turn around and have ideas about women's "obligations" or won't take cues that someone isn't interested.

  9. In high school i behaved in some inappropriate ways with someone in my class that i had a crush on. Similar to you, 95% of people probably would have said that i was generally a nice guy. But i was shy and awkward and didn't know how to talk to girls yet and this led to me doing these things that were inappropriate. I regret it but I'm glad that i know better now and don't do these types of things anymore.

  10. I am not quite with you on this one – the #metoo thing makes women victims feel better about themselves, but it does not solve the problem in any shape or form, because the abusers of this world do not give a shit about women's feelings and keep abusing. Weinstein goes on a sex addict course and comes back a reformed man – yeah right! No, the movie industry has a particular power dynamic and reward system that facilitates this kind of abuse – the casting couch is as old as Hollywood, and I would say it attracts the likes of HW to become producers in the first place. I think of it more as a legal problem, defining and prosecuting the abuse of such a power imbalance for sexual gain – though it is tricky to get the legislation right.
    Another thing: is the issue really as gendered as you say? Is it so hard to believe female or gay film producers (fashion designers etc.) are not equally capable of similar shitty behaviour? Note that male victims of sexual abuse are usually more stigmatised than female victims, because they are not supposed to be victims…

  11. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
    We need much more talking about solutions, hopefully we'll see more of that in future, after majority become convinced that there is a problem.
    Not women overreacting.
    I was almost raped by stranger. Dragged from the path, on the ground, unzipped pants. But I was lucky he missed a bit to cover my mouth to stop me screaming – and I managed to bite his finger. Hard. And I wouldn't let go, he ended up begging. And eventually said: I'll kill myself what did I do? Guess he got sober from pain, or something. Then I finally felt I can safely run away.
    But the guy "friend" I've been hanging out with those days, when I called him saying I was attacked, I'm shaken and I asked him to come be with me, said he's got a toothache, and he can't come.
    The next day, he said to another "friend" how I woke him up: She must have been asked "What time is it" from across the street.
    And they laughed.
    Being assaulted – great way to find out who isn't your real friend. :/

    Believing, taking us seriously is so important. Not having support is adding to the trauma and makes it harder to recover from it.
    Sorry for any language mistakes (nnes)
    And did I say Thank you!
    🙂

    p. s. I'd really like to not see Weinstein's face any more. That big and "in your face" is kinda disturbing.

  12. The demand for drugs is often harmful to the people living in the societies where those drugs are produced, and the countries through which they are transported. Many police die over the world fighting gangs who are moving drugs, and obviously so do gang members. Gangs profit off them, and they can use their wealth to bribe officials, increasing corruption. So if you are for legalisation of drugs in your own country, you should also specify that only drugs produced in that country should be allowed, with no imports or exports which aren't done in legal partnership with a country which has also legalised said drugs. And if you use drugs in a country where they are illegal, you should perhaps reflect on where they come from, and whose blood might have been spilled for them.

  13. Pretty much agree with the whole video, so I decided to do a short write up on how it could have been improved on a technical level.

    First thing is that lav mics typically go on the inside of the shirt. Looks a bit sloppy and distracting on the outside. You could use fewer jump cuts too. I know it's a web standard but I find it distracts from the point, and it's can be jarring. You did cover some of them with a zoom in, but there are other things you can do. Since you're green screened you can move yourself to the other side of the frame. Or you could cut to text for emphasis. I'll let the disappearing hair bits slide because it's hard to light a green screen and key without professional lighting equipment and experience. Especially with curly hair or dreads.

    Just my 2 cents. Like your videos. Hope to see more. Subbed.

  14. I think when it comes to the question about suicide, it gets a little bit more complicated because of the existence of mental illness. So many people who commit or attempt suicide were not in the state of mind to make such a judgement when they did so. A lot of people who survive suicide want to be alive now because they've had treatment for their mental illness. And I think ultimately, a lot of suicides can be seen as a result of a mental illness rather than someone's explicit, unaltered choice.
    If someone is making a rational decision for themselves, I agree that we should allow them to do so, as sucky as that situation is, but if someone is making an irrational decision because of a frame of mind imposed on them by mental illness, we should do everything in our power to stop them from committing suicide just like we prevent people from dying from other illnesses.
    Obviously, working out which people are making rational decisions and which ones aren't is nuanced and complicated, which is probably why we just generally stop anyone from committing suicide currently. It's definitely dangerous to do otherwise. However, I'm interested in having the conversation.

  15. As a woman, I was very thrilled to watch this video, T1J. You hit the nail on the head one point after another!! But I was most impressed that you admitted in a public video that you have a past of sexually harassing women. DANG. Do you know how much guts that takes? I would be so relieved and happy if I saw more men doing that, not because it is a happy subject or that I enjoy others' shame, but because that would mean we are actually moving forward for once. Men don't always have to defend themselves. We still think you are awesome and I think other men who own up to their past are awesome too. It would be great if we could take the self-blame, cynicism and self-defense out of this whole thing and just openly share experiences like humans.

    A person who sexually harasses someone else is not some scary monster in an alley who wears a mask and jumps women. Instead, he is your average Joe who wasn't really taught a healthy way to navigate sex. And he is not a freak; he is the norm.

    Can we make this a trend? I would love to see more men having the guts and strength to own their past.

  16. Hey, I'm a long time subscriber and a big fan of this channel. Thank you for making this video, it's great to see support for women who are suffering from sexual harassment or assault that don't feel comfortable coming forward. It's also good to see somebody issuing advice and a call to action to men. There's so much I want to say about that, but I'll gloss it over with a general thank you.

    The sole subject in this video which I disagree with you on is the drugs thing. I grew up in a household with a mother who did drugs. She stole large amounts of money from everyone around her she could manage, including her family. If she couldn't feed her addiction, she'd steal and sell items around the house, no matter who they belonged to, and she'd verbally and emotionally abuse anyone who wouldn't help her get drugs. I know the logical thing to do is to separate yourself from toxic people, regardless of their familial status, but needless to say, this went on well into my young adult life. If we're talking weed or whatever, I'm onboard with decriminalization, but any drug that is addictive enough to essentially erode a person down to a drug-obsessed husk who has the potential to become violent or manipulative should not be available to the public.

  17. I've actually been gladdened by the men who have joined in on "me,too" and had the bravery to share their own experiences as victims, so please don't tell them to shut up. You don't realise the harm you could be doing. The problem with sexual harassment and assault shouldn't be about gender. It shouldn't be, "Men shouldn't do this to women," but, "People shouldn't do this to people." Someone's gender shouldn't come up on your reasons to respect them list. At the heart of this imaginary divide we have invented that casts women always as prey and men always as predators is a bias so old even you, T1J, seem not to question it. It's why the male victims of child sexual abuse get less than half of the compensation that female ones do, and why injuries to the face pay out in compensation amounts more than five times higher to women than to men. A woman's only value is her attractiveness and her purity because our only goal is to secure a mate and produce children that are definitely his, whereas men should be able to survive anything without trauma because their only value is as a predator bringing home the bacon, and fending off competitors. This bias is the heart and soul of toxic masculinity and yet it is enshrined in law, in every form of media you can find, and even in our own day to day lives. Women are not the only victims, and men are not the only aggressors. I know women who have been harassed, assaulted, and raped by men. I also know women who have been harassed, assaulted, and raped by women; men who have been harassed, assaulted, and raped by men; men who have been harassed, assaulted, and raped by women; and transgendered people who have been harassed, assaulted and raped by both men and women. Guess which of those groups gets the most attention, sympathy, and justice? Everyone deserves to be feel able to speak out, to be believed, to have the aggressor dealt with according to law, and to be given the support they need to rebuild their lives. Before you get all huffy about statistics, remember that until just a few decades ago any man who admitted sexual activity with another man would face prison time, and even the most "enlightened" western countries still carry much of that judgement in the public psyche so the victims just don't come forward in the first place, or if they do they are less likely to be listened to, let alone believed. It's even worse if it's a man reporting a woman for such an assault. There are hundreds of shelters for women fleeing spousal abuse in the UK, and only two for men, neither of which can accommodate children (imagine making that choice!). In other words, statistics are worthless without a full data set. "Me,too" is an opportunity to redress the balance, to gain data we've not been factoring in to our equation, so it's important that no one be put off coming forward, no matter their gender or the gender of their attacker, and it's important that not only men are forced to reconsider their behaviours and their impact on others. Case in point…

    Me, too: Imagine a dance floor in a club. It's a small club, underground, perhaps bordering on dingy. There's a girl who goes dancing there every week because she's in a healthy stage of her episodic, degenerative disorder and she wants to enjoy the few sparse months of even vaguely normal life that fate has apportioned her. Plus, it's the only alternative club in the city with free entry. She is often alone on the dance floor but it makes no difference because she dances with her eyes closed – the lights could seriously impact on her vestibular system if she didn't – and as if no one's watching, no matter how full the club is, because the dance is for her, so that one day she can remember when she could dance.
    This day she is not alone on the floor. Her good friend, Simon, dances beside her and perhaps 8 other people are shaking their funky things on the tiny, dark dance floor. She is happy. She feels safe. Don, the 6'9" bouncer is just five feet away, and the crowd is mostly a bunch of friendly regulars. She senses someone's body move close to hers, and flicks her eyes open to make sure she isn't in someone's way but the chap in front of her points at Simon and shouts, "Is he your boyfriend?" She shakes her head and says, "No," while stepping back out of his way, closer to the wall, to continue dancing. Simon's brief yelp is her only other warning as this chap launches himself at her and tries to force his tongue into her mouth. In one swift move she puts him on the floor, people are moving, shouting in rage, and Don is making his way over to pick this guy up and drag him up to the street. He was permanently barred from the club, and the outpouring of sympathy and apology from the staff made the girl sure this was the last time something like this would happen here.
    The same dance floor. The same girl. Another night. She is dancing alone, but three other girls are dancing in their own circle on the other side of the floor. Don still stands sentry a few feet away. She senses another change in the air and flicks her eyes open. The girls have moved their circle so she's part of it. She smiles at them and this act of friendliness, closes her eyes and keeps on dancing. One of them – she's tiny, less than 5' – leans over to the girl and slurs out, "Are you bi?" The stench of cheap vodka drinks is on her breath. The girl, our girl as it were, is a little uncertain as to why this would be relevant to dancing but answers honestly because she believes shame or embarrassment about such things holds no value. Our girl says, "Yes," and carries on dancing. The tiny girl then forces her hand into our girl's underwear. Our girl grabs her hand and spins her away, afraid to hurt her, as her friends laugh. Our girl turns to look at Don for help, expecting the same boiling rage as greeted her previous attacker, but he is laughing, too. When our girl goes to the management their response is, "Was it the short one? Yeah, she does that sometimes." Suddenly our girl knew she was not safe, and the monster that had savaged her safety would receive no punishment, not even a harsh word, in short, would be free to do it again and again. So the girl stopped going dancing. The girl may never dance again, and now she can never look back and remember when she could dance without also remembering why she stopped. Imagine that.

  18. i understand that the majority of sexual assault is by men upon women, but you shouldnt gender this issue since the genders' roles in this are not inherent, and sexual assault does happen to and by people of different genders…..

  19. You are an ace human being and a reminder that the awesome good men around me are the majority. Thanks man. Sending love your way…and thanks for having EMPATHY. I HONESTLY lost faith in men for a long time (please guys know I am being irrational) but videos like this help me heal. Xx

  20. about the suicide question – suicide is an impulsive (and most often irrational) choice and people who are stopped tend to be thankful that they were stopped, so I think attempting to prevent it through not allowing people to do it is actually effective, unlike how it is with drugs. If you know that a friend is about to kill themselves and you can't talk them out of it, I think you should be able to call 911 and have them try to stop it from happening.

  21. There is a conflict of character. If Wienstein did all these things and all these women didn't say anything until now. How many women were okay with it happening because it advanced their careers. There is no consistency of character with "women." That's a bold statement but relevant I know. Not advocating sexual assault btw. Sex sells.

  22. I don't mean to "excuse" Weinstein's personal responsibility toward his actions, but the problem truly is cultural. The "I grew up in a different time" argument is one that is based in reality. Like so many issues regarding bigotry, tolerance, and just all-around being nice, this is just an issue of time. I work in the tech industry with a few guys in their 40s and 50s, and sorry to say it, but these guys are not changing. You're not going to get them to stop calling fully grown women around the office "girls" and openly ogling and rating them. They think it's okay to include me in this because they think I'm a lesbian (which is not an assumption I'm going to object to because it's partially true), and all I can do is smile and play along because I need the job and not everyone can make money on Patreon. These tech bros are not going to change their ways because you give them a socio-political lecture about believing women.

    And that's not to say they're particularly "bad" people. They ogle because they have wives and children at home and it's their only chance to do it. They grew up in a different time when such behavior was encouraged and they continue to live in it so long as they work with other straight white men their own age. So when Weinstein talks about how it's just the way things were in his world, I believe him, and you're a fool if you think he's the only one. The culture is changing but the good old boys can't be changed now. It's just a matter of waiting until they're outnumbered or dead. In the meantime, call me some radical political lesbian weirdo if you want, but stop giving them openings. Only associate with such men when you absolutely have to, and if you have to regularly, stop reading magazines that cater to toxic pop-feminist bullshit, grow your hair out, wear pants, call yourself a lesbian if you have to, stop going to mixed-gender bars and nightclubs, and if you are fully straight, associate sexually only with woke men who you know you can trust. If you haven't been abused, then make sure you don't, if you have, then make sure it's the last time.

  23. I've said this many times over the past several days, but it bears repeating: just because she doesn't say #metoo doesn't mean it's not #hertoo.

    The way you know if a woman has been sexually harassed? Ask yourself these two questions:

    1) Is this person a woman, or do they appear to be a cisgender woman at first glance?

    2) If so, have they ever lived within close proximity to other people?

    If the answer to both of these questions is "yes", then it is safe to assume that they have been sexually harassed at some point or another.

  24. Thank you for making this video! These are all great steps that men can take to be supportive allies to women and help us all move forward on the issue of sexual assault and harassment.

    As a woman who has seen many responses to my own and other women's #MeToo posts on social media, I can definitely confirm the importance of your first point, knowing when to shut up. It wasn't common, but something I saw from a few men was the "but men too" line of reasoning in responses to women's posts, and even one man who refused to accept that we were talking about a women's issue and despite multiple women telling him that his responses were disrespectful, continued with his paternalistic "but you have to see my side" bullshit. I doubt he was a "bad guy," but his refusal to step outside of his own bubble and just listen to us when we were telling him that his contributions were belittling and unhelpful was infuriating. I really hope that your video resonates with your male viewers and encourages them to think more respectfully about the women they interact with.

  25. Has Weinstein been officially charged with sexual assault yet, let alone convicted? If not, don't you think it's a bit premature to simply assert his guilt?

  26. You've completely overlooked how men feel being talked over and overlooked when a universal issue is being treated in such a gendered way, with masses of woman invalidating the trauma of men because they're men.

    Also ask your grandad about listen and believe…

  27. I've definitely behaved inappropriately, in the past, and feel that I have insights on the psychological state of this kind of behavior, but I'm not sure if there's an appropriate outlet for it.
    I think there may be a few different strains of it, but I believe types of it can grow, and become more malignant, without being addressed the right way. That said, I think recognizing signs of these traits or behaviors as early as possible and nipping them at the bud is the best option. I'd also advocate for a greater presence of psychologists and social workers in order to address issues.

  28. Wait, so is -stein in 'Weinstein" pronounced "stein" as in Einstein or "stine" as in "Christine"?

    I keep hearing both pronounciations nowadays and it is really confusing.

  29. Honest question: When is it the males' turn to talk? I have been sexually harassed too, but I didn't feel like tagging #meetoo because it seems like most feminists will just interpret it as "whataboutism" and it would turn into a whole discussion which would deflect the real issue (I saw that happen to another guy). I won't neglect that the problem is much more common among women, but I think we should allow all people to speak of their experiences no matter the gender.

  30. I think it's very good that you admitted you may have acted inappropriate in the past. I think that's a big roadblock for men, they know they've behaved in a way that could be considered sexual harassment in the past. So, because of that, they don't want to accept what social justice people say about sexual harassment or assault. A lot of people didn't know what they were doing was wrong. It doesn't make it right, but it's okay to admit that you were wrong and that you recognize that.

  31. How is protesting the gender of the speaker, regardless of his merit, lead to more open communication between men and women, instead of closing said channels?

    If we follow this logic, can't we say that women should never talk about male sexuality, the male gaze, male perspectives, any system incorporating males, or male roles; simply because women likewise would also not know “the male reality”?

    Of course, it would be ridiculous for men all over to start discussing issues experienced mostly or entirely by women from a first person perspective. However, if someone have become qualified to speak about these issues and had knowledge about the issue related and taught to him, then they should be able to justify a stance through the use of secondary sources.
    How ridiculous would it be if female judges are not to preside over male legal cases (because they do not know the male experience), and women are not to seek advice from male doctors on female health issues, and mothers are to have no jurisdiction over sons. Or vice versa.

  32. I think it is good that the government tries to prevent suicides because many people who try commiting suicide seem to change their opinion, when the suicide fails.

  33. 4:12
    An emergency would require different action than something that's already happened. Unless there's claims of on going assault, which is when you would need to act by making sure they are safe and supporting them in making a formal complaint. It's generally up to the legal system to show guilt.

  34. "Decent Men" have no responsibility for the reprehensible behavior of another man simply because they share the same gender. People are not groups, they are individuals. And if they live outside of a communist country, they are also sovereign individuals that are responsible for themselves and their growing children, ONLY. I do my part by having never sexually assaulted or sexually harass others and I teach my kids the same. You are free to suggest to other collectivists who believe they are part of a "group" to take responsibility for the reprehensible behavior of others in their perceived group, but understand that some of us see ourselves and sovereign and free individuals and will be "decent men" on our own terms.

  35. On the suicide issue there is one part that needs to be considered. Suicide NEVER only hurt the individual. Someone else has to deal with the clean up. Some else has deal with the body and whatever mess was made. Then some else has to deal with the rest of that persons sh*t. Don't get me wrong. I do support dying with dignity. So someone with a painful or deteriorating illness with no effect treatment or cure in sight, can plan their departure. This includes getting your affairs in order and checking out in the least messy way. We need examples like the 12 year old who jumped of an over pass killing a driver on the way.

  36. What if the caller was forbidden from taking painkillers because she might intentionally overdose? Or forbidden to buy rope because she might hang herself? Can she only stay on floor one of a hotel because otherwise she'll jump? It's just stupid to forbid guns, no matter how much we don't like them. The only justification is that virtually everyone who attempts suicide with a gun succeeds while you may survive other methods. Even then, people have survived that or chickened out.

  37. +1 for the clarification. You specified what you'd discuss and gave a credible reason. I recently heard a discussion of married men that included some statements that sounded SS-inclusive and some that sounded OS-only, but, as the question was never addressed, I couldn't tell how to interpret the points being made.

    On the second point, the approach seems to presume that women need to be treated extra-delicately. For an immediate response, I've seen feminists present the point better – respond as if one believes the account to have total veracity and suspend belief or disbelief until a time of private reflection. For long term, I think a better strategy would be to emulate Phyllida Erskine Brown, and raise both (or all) genders to the standard of being able to stand up to being cross-examined by Rumpole for the defence.

    It would be helpful to tell people how to find good studies and research, so that they don't end up buying into the bad specimens.

  38. I hope Joe Rogan sees this video. I’m just tired of men interjecting their whataboutisms and cynicism when the topic of sexual assault comes up.

  39. I don't think I agree with your idea that suicide or heavy drug use only effects one person. It only physically effects one person, but it emotionally effects all the people that care about that person, that makes it a lot less clean and simple. Like the mom who stays up at night anxious about what her son might be up to, or the sister who painfully regrets not noticing that her brother was showing signs of depression and helping before it was too late. These are real tangible ripples that came from one person's "individual" decision.

  40. About the voicemail question: I struggle with depression and I strongly believe that there should be laws in place to prevent mentally ill ppl from commiting suicide. Depression changes my perception of the world. The thoughts that I have and the choices that I make are not entirely me (I don't know how to explain it, ppl with depression probably understand?) and I really, really hope that, if one day it gets so bad that I think suicide will be the only option, I will be saved from myself. And I have heard from a few ppl that they are so grateful to not have died bc now they are doing better (mental health wise) and get to enjoy their life.

  41. I don't think any of us are 100% innocent, young blokes usually have to learn that certain behaviours ain't cool, I personally would never claim to be an angel, but nobody can deny that I've shown considerable improvements since my teen days.

  42. Read some statistics doesn't show any proof of anything he's read.
    Just a note the one in five women thing isn't true it was a study done on a college campus and it included things like
    Being hit on ("Such as you looking good") or other such comments
    Wolf whistling/ Catcalling
    Being grabbed or smacked
    Being harrassed
    Or had any other unwanted attention

    I'm not saying this study is bad I'm just saying that I mean everyone on Earth could probably say that they have had one of these things happen to them.

  43. re: drug use, as discussed later in the video… you know, I think that weed and booze can be pretty destructive to someone, and to those around them, in the context of addiction. Even so, I still support some decriminalization of weed. I mean, dui of alcohol is illegal, I would extend such laws to weed. I don't think that someone should go to jail for routine, private use, and certainly not for mere possession.

  44. I’m a historian and from a historical perspective you are correct on the self harm issue. For a long time suicide was illegal in England. And suicide numbers were not lower, on top of that it wasn’t uncommon for someone who had a suicide attempt to be jailed. People with mental health issues need health care, not access to guns, and not legal fear

  45. So this video is pretty old but I have quite a few criticisms that I want to bring up. I'm genuinely looking for people with opposing opinions about this to correct me where I'm wrong so please, I'm all ears.

    Point 1: The 20% statistic
    I've watched this guy's video about the statistic and its origins, and have personally read the methodology of the relevant studies but I am sceptical for one big reason, it's a survey. When we want to gauge the amount of theft, we don't survey people asking if they've been robbed, we see how many people have been convicted of robbery in a court of law and tally up the victims. The following logical process seems insane, 20% of women say they have been raped therefore it is a fact that 20% of women have been raped. That being said, I'm sure, in fact I'm extremely sure there are many more victims of sexual assault than the ones we would see from actual court trials but this process of "These people say they've been assaulted therefore they have been assaulted" seems to be logically flawed.

    Point 2: Men need to know when to shut the fuck up
    Yeah… this isn't helpful. One could infer from this point that criticism of the MeToo movement is an example of men who need to shut the fuck up which is a terrifying concept given the many flaws retaining to the movement. I do however agree that a guy who talks over a woman presenting her experiences with sexual assault is an asshole and yes, we as men do need to practice more compassion with this issue.

    Point 3: Believe women
    Yes and no. "Believing women" is good as long as innocent until proven guilty is not affected. We have seen the destruction of careers and entire lives at the hands of false allegations and I don't care if false allegations are 10%, 1% or 0.1%. The fact that people possess the ability to lie is enough to not blindly believe, we need to encourage women to share their stories as long as we don't assume the accused are guilty. Also, the comparison you presented with the person calling for help and the response being "I need evidence" smells like a strawman. Lastly, regarding the point about false accusations being extraordinarily rare, those studies only account for allegations that have been proven false in a court of law, funny how we don't use the same methodology for determining the rate of sexual assault. Unfortunately, most accusations fall in the grey area, of accusations a small portion are proven true and a small portion are proven false. Rape is especially evil given that it's very difficult to prove, I understand the pain of people's scepticism but we can't assume people are always telling the truth.

    Point 4: We need to be more assertive when calling out abuse
    I absolutely agree, no further comment.

    Point 5: It's not always bad villainous people who commit sexual assault, sometimes it's ignorance or privilege
    I doubt that there are many rapists who were surprised when they found out that sexual assault is wrong. Also the myth of male privilege is another big discussion for another time. As for us not understanding consent… when I went to school we had members of the police force explain consent to us men and there were no surprises, I thought the idea of not having sex with someone when they're not conscious or when they say no was pretty basic. Also invasions of personal space isn't even close to sexual assault, I'm autistic so I routinely accidentally invade someone's personal space when getting really in to a conversation. I do however agree that catcalling and aggressive flirting is unacceptable.

    Point 6: We can end sexual harassment by not harassing women
    Wow you must be a genius to figure that one out. That's as useless as saying "All crime would end if people stopped committing crime." No one is arguing that rape is a good thing, or at least I hope not.

    Anyway, I'm a very open person and like this guy's videos even when I happen to disagree. Please reply explaining where I went wrong in my logic and analysis because I will change my opinion if a better argument than mine is presented.

  46. "by the way if you dispute that statistic you're just wrong. You should stop watching youtube shitlords and read the studies."

    Yeah thanks for the sources. Really helped! /s

    "They don't need your replies to their public statements and don't be SKEPTICAL"

    "Just stop sexually harassing and raping women"

    Jesus Christ.

  47. Adding anote here; When women talk about their sexual assault stories, it is not the time for you to bring up the issue of false rape accusations.

  48. "Believe women, when they say they have been harrassed." This is a lesson, not just for men, but for women too.

  49. Fathers need to lead their sons by example in thinking this way, and all parents need to teach our kids what real consent is. Whether it's your uncle or your first boyfriend who threatens you, knowing what's not ok and what you're allowed to say no to and what consent looks like is important for everyone, and very early in life, sadly. We need to have tough conversations as soon as they can handle it to help push the needle.

  50. 3:08 Haha, love the captions here!

    Not sure why, but the credits for closed captioning isn't showing up in the description.

  51. I've never understood catcalling. I've seen other guys do it since childhood. And yet, I've never seen anyone actually get a women's phone number, or even have a conversation through catcalling. I never understood why people continued to do it, even though it was clearly such a failing strategy…

  52. If i walk up to a random man in public and called him a pedophile out loud in front of a crowd of people and he got offended and hit me or started getting angry at me and shouting at me. Would that mean he obviously touches kids because why else would he get offended right?

    Of course calling men rapists and sexually assaulters who have never commited such heinous acts will get offended.

  53. Listen & believe is wrong. It should be listen & support & seek justice through court. Not only does it make more sense, it also rhymes. =]

  54. This me too movement has made me lose all respect for some people like big ups to the victims who spoke out against whinesteen and those who even went out of their way to get evidence. sexual assault on anyone who is vulnerable or in a vulnerable situation is a scumbag

  55. Thes wise ideas, can ALSO be used with those that are dismayed by "political correctness". well, a few anyway.
    I might suggest, that Wypipo, should listen to this again, get me?

  56. 0:38 – not only that, but if someone is stupid enough to not think sexual violence is a problem then they should like, you know, talk to women? Seriously, if you’re a dude or a woman with female friends you find out very quickly that this statistic is not only true, but could even be HIGHER because sexual assault is often under-reported.

  57. Regarding the voicemail question: If memory serves, there's also some evidence to suggest that people (most especially cis men) who have access to guns and suicidal tendencies are significantly more likely to try to kill not only themselves but their lovers, spouses, and children, and they're also more likely to engage in mass shootings. So yeah, public safety issue, guns and mental illness do not mix.

  58. I 100% agree with you in everything you said, in the believing part, I always first believe the woman, then if as she tells the story everything fits together I keep believing her, I doubt when something in the story doesn't fit.
    That said, I have a friend and one day she casually told me she was raped, I was ready to go to the police and make a case of it, and I asked; her what happened? So she Started telling me the story; she was at a party with some of her friends, her female best friend, her best friend's aunt and her date, a guy. At some point begining the night she Started hanging out with the aunt and her date so they drank a little and talked to each other, later she(my friend went with her other friends and danced with them Started using drugs, marihuana, at some point she realised the aunt and her date had had a fight and the aunt had left, but her date stayed . At some point the guy approached her and spoke of normal things at first but at some point he just straight forward asked her for a blowjob, she said no because she had a boyfriend, a few moments later he insistes and she said sometimes she Is "easily persuaded" so she went with him to a room and did just that, and later she said she "ended up having sex with him". And then asked her; but was there any violence or force? She said no, she said that she didn't stop him to avoid any possible violence or force but to me that doesn't make any Sense, I do not condone what he did , it's wrong. He took advantage of her and manipulated her and the situation to get sex from her, but she should've said no and walked away from that man it was a house full of people, women aren't helpless beings who can't make decisions or lack self determination by definition. Women can stand up for themselves and say a firm no.

  59. Hey, thank you for admitting to your mistakes. Owning up to them and becoming a better human being. You're doing great, and I'm grateful that you try to improve other men as well.

  60. I love this guy, whenever he is wrong he says “If you think I’m wrong then YOU’RE WRONG” keep up your bullshit

  61. Brenda Tracy talks about this subject at length in her lectures about sexual assault so if you want more pov’s on this fellas go send her some positivity

  62. Thank you so, SO much for this video. I hope with all my heart that all the men who watch this take every point you made on board. I'm sure a lot of men get so annoyed by things like the #MeToo movement because they worry that some things they've done to or around women in the past, without any ill-intent or dubious motives, might fall under the umbrella of sexual assault or harassment, and so they interpret any discussion of such issues as a personal attack on them and their male friends. It's not – this isn't about pointing fingers and taking prisoners, it's about trying to make the world a little safer for EVERYONE. It takes a lot of guts to admit to past mistakes, so huge respect to you. I would trust you far more willingly than any of those men who claim they're #NotAllMen and never have been, while getting outraged at how society is 'demonizing' masculinity these days.
    Oh, and for the record: no sensible-minded woman thinks all men are potential sexual predators. Men have many wonderful qualities – and yes, being 'masculine' is definitely one of them. We're not asking men to become something else.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *