Battlefield Pep Talk


>>TODAY, WE WILL FACE THE GREATEST BATTLE IN HUMAN HISTORY. YOUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN’S CHILDREN WILL ASK
YOU IF YOU WERE THERE AND YOU CAN SAY, “YES I WAS. I FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT.” IN A FEW HOURS ZOMBIE-ALIEN-VAMPIRES WILL RAIN FROM THE SKY. IT WILL PROBABLY SEVERELY INJURE AND MAIM EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. IN FACT, IF YOU LIVE TO TELL THIS TALE YOU PROBABLY WON’T BE DOING A LOT OF GESTURING WITH YOUR HANDS. I UNDERSTAND THAT’S WHAT THESE CREATURES GO
AFTER FIRST. THAT AND THE EYES. AT BEST YOU’LL COME OUT OF THIS COMPLETELY
BLIND. AND THE HORRORS OF WHAT YOU SEE TODAY WILL BE BURNED INTO YOUR MEMORIES FOREVER. BUT WE’RE GOING TO MAKE IT! EXCEPT FOR THIS GUY. AND LET’S BE HONEST, THE OLD PEOPLE. AND THIS LADY, NO WAY GROSS. BUT THIS GUY IS GOING TO BE FINE! I MEAN WE ARE AMERICANS! WE MAY SUFFER FROM UNEMPLOYMENT, A BROKEN
EDUCATION SYSTEM, OBESITY, NOT TO MENTION THIS NATION’S DEBT, WHICH IS NOT MY FAULT BY THE WAY. YOU REMEMBER THAT AT THE NEXT ELECTION, JIM DAY ALL THE WAY! NOW LET’S SHOW THE UNIVERSE THAT WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN. AS A PREDECESSOR OF MINE ONCE SAID, “WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR, BUT FEAR ITSELF.” AND BY WE, I AM POINTEDLY EXCLUDING THAT WOMAN, AND THE AFORE MENTIONED OLD PEOPLE. AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, IF ALIENS ARE LISTENING RIGHT NOW, I WAS ON YOUR SIDE THE ENTIRE TIME AND I WOULD LOVE TO LEAD YOU. ALL RIGHT. GOOD TALK EVERYONE. LET’S GET HIM AMERICA.>>THEY’RE HERE! [SCREAMS]>>TAKE THE OLD PEOPLE! THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE HERE FOR! THEY GOT THE LADY! WHO CALLED IT? OH NO!

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