WARNING: The following is a brutally critical video made by someone, who’s been dealing with history and work in the gaming industry all his life. The topics of political correction, feminism, historical revisionism, lack of understanding in physics, and other controversial points will be covered. The Military Shooter genre has been degraded so much, that a game with more than a hundred million dollar budget only serves as a political indoctrination for the youth.
This will never be tolerated. If you are a Battlefield fanboy, then you are an inferior existence. If you will watch this video your vagina will burst, your intestines will start playing the USSR anthem, your eyes will tear up and your screeching in the comment section will be swiftly destroyed. If you see a rash form on your body, your penechen falls out or you started loving Tomio Okamura because of this video, please sign up for the nearest drunk tank. WE HATE EA, IMAGINE THAT If you’re a historian. For your safety, please deaden yourself with the hardest alcohol, or a drug. You are not ready for this. The 2nd World War. The biggest conflict in human history. The darkest chapter of our existance. It gave birth to unbelievable stories, which those of us, the lucky ones who didn’t have to fight and die, can watch and listen to, so that it can never be forgotten, what happened many years ago, and so that we wouldn’t forget those, who made history. So, what sort of experience did a multi billion company, EA DICE, prepare for us? “I-I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna-” *sounds of the EA experience* Are you ready? Are you ready? I’m, definitely not ready for this. So, are we gonna make it? Sigleplayer Battlefield 5, let’s do this. You see? You see this teenage bitch? She’s trying to win me over with her blue eyes. But she already knows, that someone else has won me over with their blue eyes. *sigh of deep regret* So let’s start this. OK. “UNDER NO FLAG” first story. “NORDLYS” second story. ’43, ’44 “TIRAILLEUR” And “THE LAST TIGER” of course, is locked, because that would be getting a complete game that you payed for. But we’ll start with something different. The game also has a prologue, so let’s take a look at this historical awesomeness! I’m expecting powerful and wise texts! “Hello, we’re the ones that are fucking up history!” “Hello, we’re the ones that are licking up their asses!” “Hello, I’m an engine that never has and never will work!” Oh great. Remind of the catastrophe that I played 2 years ago Really, just keep reminding me. “The Great War ended with a deafening silence.” Fucking hell, these go fast. “The world- has healed- moved on.” “And in silence, we forgot.” Yeah everyone around here forgot about history. Oh no! Winston no! You too? Yeah this is Winston. Kill me! “London 1939” So what? Oh yeah! Fake memorial, where both sides have Mausers and with bayonets that have been tied with fucking duct tape, great. Oh look! American soldiers with British helmets. And they talk with an British accent. Yeah yeah. I’ve always wanted to see paratroopers with fucking American jumpsuits when they are British. Fantastic. Oh what do we have here? Oh of course, “WE WUZ KANGZ ‘N SHIT MAN” Of course we always have to beat up a white man. Uh, well this doesn’t need commentary- MORE STRING FEMALE CHARACTERS Yeees, Panzer Kommandant who’s Wermacht and has no business in a tank at all. “The war would thoroughly explore man’s potential.” “Finest moments.” “Darkest hours.” These expressions are from Churchill; “Darkest hour” “Finest moment” “Summits of courage.” “Depths of hatred.” “Hope.” “Endurance.” “Atrocity.” “Death.” Oh we’ll see the death of history. Oh dear…. “Norway 1940” Okay. This is, essentially, the very beginning of the war in a broader spectrum, so what will we see here? Aurora. How beautiful. Oh, Frostbite, you’re such an amazing engine that shows us things that have nothing to do with gameplay. But will fuck up even those. Okay, C-47s over Norway. I can safely say that neither Brits or Americans didn’t have paratrooper units for another year. But okay. So who’s descending? Don’t know, so far I can’t identify them. Uhhh, I don’t recognize those uniforms. Oh I have a Sten! Yes, a gun that didn’t exist for another year. Great! So who are we? American helmet, American jacket, British weapons, and the pants are also American. Okay. So we’re going- show me what you’re- Oh, he just died thanks to a script. They all died. Nobody hit them. Okay, so I’ll just go like this. *bored daka* Yes, fear my mighty Sten. Did you hear it’s the best sniper rifle in the game? Yes. What will I do when someone’s shooting at me? Lift my head. What do we have here? Million Stens! Fantastic. It’s great that we’re this amazingly equipped. But who are we? Who the hell are we? Oh! *totally accurate spawn noises* They’re gonna spawn like this- but this one’s a badass in a coat. Were you also jumping with us? You have a very wierd Enfield, it’s missing the front sights. Can I take it? Thank you. Oh this is an amazing Enfield! Let’s shoot some. I think this prologue perfectly summarizes what will be happening in the game. But sights are, seemingly, an emblem of the bourgeoisie according to DICE. MP 40. Yep, completely fresh made it to Narvik, yeah. I’ve also seen FG 42 somewhere around here. Yeah, a gun that won’t exist yet for the next 2 years. Ow ow ow ow ow Hi. You’re so effective. He died. Yes, of course, Tiger. A tank that won’t exist yet for the next 2 years. Yeah, that’s a clear “1940” right here. I’ll cock my Enfield- ahh flashback. Yeah, this will be the same. Just like the intro to Unterfield (BF1) right, all the characters I’ll be playing as will die. Ah, we’ll now be playing as a Tiger, great. “Libya 1941” That’s good, Tiger won’t exist for the next year, but it’s all good. They won’t be deployed until the next year. Yes, this is definetly Deutsche Afrika corps with this leather coat and a Wermacht uniform- Ahh! Look at this beautifully censored Swastika. This is Tobruk? Yeah, that’s why the Staghounds are there, yeah okay. First instakill. Second instakill. Third instakill. You won’t hide- oh he was already dead. 109s flying needlessly low. I haven’t a faintest idea of where I’m shooting. Looks like some women, just keep going forward. Ah, canons that have gonorrhea, I’ve missed those. Now what’s next? Who’s the one withdrawing in front of us? FG 42 in ’41- What? Hello, American Shermans. This is an Easy Eight? Really? No. No good. I was thinking they had an Easy Eight here. Calliope! In Libya ’41! Okay, Sherman Calliope. For sure! And there’s Easy Eight. Yeah, okay. I got nothing. ’76 Sherman in Libya ’41. “But they’ll have historical accuracy in the Singleplayer!” Riight? “Algeria 1942” So what the heck is going to be here? And we’re- Yeah! We wuz kangz. Didn’t take long. “Kasserine.” Kasserine in Algeria. “ALGERIA HERE” ”