red vs blue SO COOL F.I.L.S.S.: Alarm, security breach, level Alpha. All personnel, report for duty. This is not a drill. SIMMONS: Run! GRIF: Oh crap! Where is she?
SIMMONS: I don’t wanna die! CABOOSE: Sheila, we have to help them. F.I.L.S.S.: Help who? – The Reds! Tex is attacking them, we have to stop her. – Stop Agent Texas? Oh no, absolutely not. We should never interfere with an ongoing battlefield simulation test. Our job is to observe and document. bb – But she’ll kill them. – Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test. SARGE: We need to keep moving, men. Come on, double time. Hell I’d settle for single time. – Maybe we should just fight. I’m afraid she’s gonna start picking us off one by– –one! OMG SIMMONS: Ow! god NO Oh man, forget this. I need to get a bigger weapon. SIMMONS: Caboose, help us! – How? The computer won’t let me. She’s mean! This place is filled with mean ladies. – Push some buttons, I don’t know! – Buttons!? Oh man, I love buttons! Beep bup bup boop beep bup boop. – Wow. That actually worked perfectly. Thanks! – Great! How the heck did I do that? GRIF: Ow! Hey Simmons, what the hell is going on in there? – You gotta help us! Do you know how to use that thing? – My sword? Fuck yeah I know how to use it. What’s to understand about swish-swish-stab? It’s a fuckin’ sword dude, it’s not a fighter jet. – Just come and help me. Wait, wait, wait–! WTW tex GRIF: O-ho o-ho. TUCKER: Hey Sweet Cheeks! Remember me? Step away from the idiot! SIMMONS: Oh God, please don’t let her see me. TUCKER: Huh? CABOOSE: Yes! I saved Tucker! Oh, wait… I saved Tucker. Caboose, what are you doing? You’re messing up my plan with Simmons. I was supposed to distract her for him. You ratted me out, you son of a bitch! Oh shit! Oh shit! TUCKER: That was awesom–ow! CABOOSE: Um, can we use turrets on her or, some explodey fiery thing? F.I.L.S.S.: That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols. I cannot do that. GRIF: What do we do Sarge? – I don’t know, I’ve never hit a girl in my life. SIMMONS: Yeah, I noticed. Try harder! GRIF: Hah! SIMMONS: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU- –UUCK! OMG GRIF GRIF: Ha-how! Oh no, Grif! GRIF: Yipe!
– [click] Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself.
– [repeated clicks] We’ve run out of ammo again! That’s your responsibility!
– [repeated clicks] – [click]
Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever saved my–oof! SOLP it TEX PZ Protect me, cone! SIMMONS: Ow! OMG tex solp it pz SIMMONS: Watch it!
GRIF: You watch it! You idiots, let me show you how it’s done. GRIF: Nice demonstration, Sarge.
– Ah, shut up. SIMMONS (hushed): Hey guys, look up there. Uuh, what? Hey Caboose! Remember when I said not to help me? Forget that, I need you to help me. Right now! What holds up that crate? F.I.L.S.S.: Mechanical controls are on the left side of the console. I can’t believe that worked! nop …Aw fuck, that didn’t work! – I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a badass. GRIF: We gotta get out of here!
SIMMONS: We’ll be crushed! TUCKER: Don’t worry guys, I got this. SWISH! GRIF: Ow! GRIF: We were crushed. Aw fuckberries. Tex, can you–oh! Alright. You know what, that’s it. Come here. Oh thank God, thought I was a goner Sarge, where are you? Rrr, what happened? I feel defeated, yet inexplicably rejuvenated. Swish–fuck! Swoosh–fah! Ah, stab–God dammit! Gah! Oh come on! TUCKER: O-aow, bullshit! GRIF: Whoa, did you see that?
SIMMONS: How would I have missed that? What’s the matter Tex, you having trouble keeping it up? Don’t worry, it happens to everybody. Well, not me but… TUCKER: Ow! Ow!
SARGE: That rocket launcher’s one of the older models, right?
SIMMONS: Yeah. – That means it’s got heat-seeking. Now lock on and let her rip!
TUCKER: Ahow! I didn’t know that was there! – Oh right, I forgot about that.
TUCKER: Ow, holy crap, you just don’t know how to use it– –bitch! o sot… [coughing] Damn it! I hate this black stuff, what the hell is it? GRIF: There she is! Huh? SARGE: Get her!
SIMMONS: Wait, guys… Ow, come on! I’m not Tex, I’m a Blue! I’m not the one you’re fighting. Leave me the fuck alone! GRIF (tired): Kicking’s hard! (muffled) Why are you hitting me, I’m not Tex! SIMMONS: Sarge, hold on, hold on!
– Hm? SIMMONS: I think that’s Tucker, not Tex. See I told you! Ow, you fucker! Why’d you do that?
– Meh, force o’ habit. Man you guys are n–ah–
– Hey, watch it–whoa– TUCKER: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa–!
GRIF: Don’t fall in the– GRIF: Hold still, hold still, I can see her. She’s right over there by the other– GRIF: Uh oh.
TUCKER (whispering): Grif, I see her. OMG WTW TEX IS meen – What is your problem with my balls? – Whoa, who-whoa, hawhoa! Aw crap. O-ho, wow, right into the mount, huh? O-hoa, not even gonna buy dinner? Come on, I like your style. Simmons, what’re you waiting for? – They look the same, Which one do I shoot? TUCKER: Ahow, shoot the one who’s winning dumbass! GRIF: Ow.
SIMMONS: Grif! Watch it!
GRIF: Uh-huh-huh. TUCKER: Ahoww, ow.
SARGE: Wow, knocked the black right off ya. TUCKER: That’s racist. SARGE: You’re all clear Simmons, now shoot her! Fire in the hole! TUCKER: Are you fucking kidding me? Run! GRIF: Oh God! Oh God, not my ba– Oh thank God. I thought I was– FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED! ??? GRIF: Ooaaah! OMG PORE GRIF Why won’t you just kill me? CHURCH: Hey Tex! HE BACK How ’bout you pick on somebody your own size?